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 When Catching Up Feels Like a Competition: Meeting Friends Who Measure Your Success

By

Ndidi Nichola Okoro, Esq. 

There’s something beautiful about reconnecting with old friends — the nostalgia, the shared stories, and the comfort of people who once knew you in a different season of life. But sometimes, these reunions come with an unexpected pressure: the silent measuring tape of "success" that some friends seem to pull out as soon as you sit down.

They start asking questions not out of curiosity, but out of comparison.

Where are you now?

What car do you drive?

Are you married yet?

Do you own a house?

How much have you achieved since we last met?

Suddenly, a casual catch-up feels like a performance review. The conversation shifts from genuine connection to subtle scoreboard updates. You might find yourself defending your choices, downplaying your struggles, or even exaggerating your wins just to “measure up.”

A Personal Story: When Life Doesn't Look Perfect

I remember meeting a former schoolmate one day. She was driving a big, beautiful car, looking so radiant and robust, and I noticed a young boy in the car with her — a sign that she was married and seemingly doing very well.

That day, life wasn’t particularly kind to me. Both my daughter and I were sick; we weren’t looking our best. I greeted her warmly, but the way she looked at me said more than words ever could. There was something in her expression — almost a quiet judgment — as if she had quickly measured me up and filed me into a mental category.

Before we parted, she offered that we exchange numbers. I collected hers and later, when I got home and tried to reach out, I discovered it was a fake number.

Sometime later, we crossed paths again, but this time, there was a silent distance between us — not just physical space but something unspoken, a clear emotional gap that neither of us was willing to bridge.

It made me reflect: sometimes people don’t just compare — they quietly exit when you don’t "measure up" to their standards.

Why Some People Measure Success This Way

People often gauge others based on their own definitions of success. For some, it's career status. For others, it's wealth, marriage, or social standing. Sometimes, it’s not even conscious — it’s just how they’ve been conditioned to see life.

When old friends focus on external milestones, it’s often less about you and more about their own insecurities, social pressures, or a shallow understanding of what it means to truly succeed.

How to Handle These Moments Gracefully

1. Define Success for Yourself:

Maybe your success story doesn’t look flashy on the outside. Maybe your success is surviving difficult days, raising a kind child, or simply choosing peace. Your worth isn’t measured by how others see you.

2. Don’t Fall Into the Comparison Trap:

Life unfolds differently for everyone. Don’t let someone else’s version of success become the yardstick for your own.

3. Redirect the Conversation:

When conversations start to feel like silent competitions, gently steer them toward more meaningful ground. You can say something like:

"Beyond work and family, what’s been bringing you peace or joy lately?"

4. Set Boundaries:

Not everyone deserves access to your personal life. It’s okay to maintain distance from people who make you feel small.

5. Extend Grace — To Them and Yourself:

Sometimes people act from places of pride, insecurity, or misunderstanding. Forgive them silently, but protect your heart. It’s also important to extend that same grace to yourself on the days you feel you’re not “enough.”

Final Thought: Choose Connection Over Competition

True friendship isn’t about who’s winning or who’s behind. It’s about being there, celebrating each other’s journey, and showing up with empathy instead of comparison.

When we meet old friends, let’s strive to see beyond the surface. Life is not a scoreboard — it’s a story, and we’re all writing different chapters.

Some people may judge you at your lowest, but your story doesn’t end there — and your worth was never up for comparison in the first place.

Closing Quote:

"Don’t let anyone rush you through your journey or measure you by their timeline. You are allowed to grow quietly, heal slowly, and bloom at your own pace."

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